How many times have you caught yourself saying, “I will never parent the way my parents did”? Chances are your children are saying the same thing about you.
Each generation of parents wants to improve upon the last. While it’s safe to say that most parents will always struggle for “perfection,” how that shows up in their parenting will be unique and specific to their generation.
However, “the most important thing is to work on not overcorrecting,” Amelia Kelley, PhD, a therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, tells Parents. “What can happen in one generation is that they identify something that they did not like and so they may swing too far into the other direction.”
Many Gen X parents, for example, were latchkey kids who feel like they received little supervision or support. So if you feel under-parented, you might overcompensate in indulging your children’s emotions, which can cause its own problems.
“Taking the best of each generation and adopting it to your own individual style can be most useful,” Dr. Kelley says. “Also understanding that just because you fall within one generation does not mean you must adhere to all of those specific qualities.”
That being said, every generational parenting style will feel and look different. Here’s what your generation says about your parenting style, according to experts.
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Generation X (Born 1965 to 1980)
According to Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, Gen Xers—raised largely by the Boomers—famously use the helicopter parenting style.
“They like to get and give advice about parenting and always learn about how to be a better parent,” she explains. “Gen X parents like to volunteer and be very involved in their children's development, including being very involved in their child's school.”
Dr. Kelley says many of these Gen X parents were somewhat less parented as children themselves—that’s they are often referred to as the sandwich generation in between boomers and millennials—which might explain why Gen X was one of the first generations of parents to move away from a more authoritarian discipline style and lean towards learning what the best ways to parent are.
“Theories [are that] this generation became so interested in learning more about parenting in response to their lack of experiencing sufficient support as children themselves,” Kelly explains. “They are incredibly interested in encouraging individual choice while trying to remain engaged as parents.”
Schiff agrees. “[Gen X parents] support their children's individualism and making their own choices. They encourage their children to be more independent and try new things.”
But Schiff points out that “helicopter parents are highly protective. While this can be beneficial when it comes to safety and security, [their] children lack independence, which can affect them into adulthood. They also tend to lack emotional resilience.”
Millennials (Born 1981 to 1996)
“Millennial parents tend to be more open minded than any of the generations before them,” Dr. Kelley says. “And for that reason, they do not ascribe to overly specific parenting styles but rather find value in positive parenting over authoritarian discipline.”
This might be due to the fact that Millennials also have fewer children, says Schiff, and feel they can have children without being married.
The advancement of social media and technology very much shapes how they parent. “Social media and the internet influence them as parents and [help them learn about] parenting in various styles,” she explains. “They may have been children of Gen Xers, and used to the helicopter parenting style, so they are looking to have a more free and looser approach than what they were raised with. Millennials also may have been over-scheduled, so they try not to do the same to their children.”
Schiff says Millennials also strike a better work-life balance and are able to unplug, unlike Gen X. “Millennial parents also rely much more on technology, both in learning about how to parent, but also letting their kids play games or watch videos on a tablet or smartphone," Schiff says. "The con to this is having to limit screen time and these children grow up digitally-obsessed.”
Dr. Kelley says millennials lean a bit further into the idea of empathy and curiosity about their children than Gen X. “They encourage their children to ask a great deal of questions about emotional intelligence, self-improvement, and the world around them,” Dr. Kelley says. “Millennials have a parenting style that has created the next generation of more self-aware children—kids who will become Gen-Z parents in the next coming decade.”
Another component of millennial parenting, according to Dr. Kelley, includes teaching individualism and work ethic above some other values. “Focusing on self-esteem and identity has led to this generation engaging their children in far more extracurricular activities, instilling a drive for improved work ethic,” she explains. “For some children, this is very positive and allowed them to get into highly competitive schools or work against the increasing stressors in the self-made workforce. For others, it has created some decision fatigue and paralysis about what to do with their next steps and these young adults are still living with their parents or unaware of what they want to do for a living.”
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Generation Z (Born 1997 to 2013)
Gen Z parents aspire to be “perfect,” says Schiff, but therefore also feel less confident about their parenting in comparison to Millennial moms.
“Younger parents, those of Gen Z, grew up in the age of social media, where every move one makes is critiqued and everything is recorded and shared,” she explains. “They are placing pressure on themselves because of the environment they grew up in and part of that is this social comparison to other parents' ‘perfect’ lives portrayed on social media.”
According to Dr. Kelley, because Gen Z only knows parenting within the context of technology, social media, and extreme interconnectedness, “there is no shortage of information for this generation, and for that reason Gen Z parents value allowing exploration of identity more so than work ethic as compared to Millennial parents.”
This means that “many of these parents are enrolling their children in Montessori schools and nontraditional or experiential learning environments as opposed to following traditional bell curve style education that has dominated the U.S. up until this point.”
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As a result, says Dr. Kelley, some Gen Z parents are having families younger than Millennials as “they lean back towards historically traditional values because they are not having to rebel against helicopter parents that some of the earlier generations were pushing up against. There is still much to be seen with how this generation settles into parenting.”
So far, Schiff says Gen Z parents are more likely to center gentle parenting as an approach. “Gen Z values personal expression and is inclined to reject traditional norms and this leads them to explore new parenting styles,” she explains. “Psychologically, children of Gen Z parents may be healthier because these parents tend to prioritize their child's mental health and well-being.”
